THE BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD

There is no reason why anyone should give a hot damn what I think, but if you’re going to go on the Internet and declare to the universe that your mother is the greatest mother in the world, I say, don’t be so vague. Write an essay. I want specifics, because, based on the women about whom I have read that statement thus far in my life, I have come to think that this declaration holds about as much water as a college boy’s “I love you!” while he’s trying to get his hand in your pants.

I know saying this is going to tarnish my reputation as a modern caring non-judgmental humanitarian, but every adult-child that I've seen make this declaration to the world was doing so about a mother who had been party to the most egregious forms of neglect and abandonment, or who had turned the blindest of eyes to the most horrific forms of child abuse.

            So call me a jerk for being curious, but I would love to know what multitude of little things these maternal goddesses did do (Lunchables in the old backpack? 3 a.m. sheet changes after you wet the bed?) to make up for your being put in foster care or being butt fucked by her boyfriend.

            I’m just curious. Hell, if one of the unfortunate souls who has touted theirs as the greatest of mothers gave me a list of the earthshakingly awesome little things this mother did for them amid the grim maelstrom of their lives, I may actually make a point of doing those things for my children… not that I want to hear them make that declaration about me, for obvious reasons.

Ms. Arabelle Beach