Get Off Your Mobile Phone

     Here is a video from my musical comedy -- GOT IT MADE.  Let me know if you can relate:

Get Off Your Mobile Phone http://vimeo.com/35470361 "Another audience favorite from GOT IT MADE. What could be more annoying than someone driving while on their cell phone? Until YOU need to make a call, that is." Involves Maureen Kane Berg.

The Right Baseball

Coco Crisp, after dropping an easy fly ball, was once quoted as saying, "The ball didn't do its job. I did my job. The ball didn't do its job."

Here I thought it was the first baseman making game saving plays or the pitcher making all the right pitches. But it was really just the ball doing its job.

I don't know if Coco was serious or not but he might have a point. Maybe it was the baseball. Perhaps there are a few baseballs that are flawed, that are not wound as tight as others or where the seams are slightly higher than the others. These variances could be the difference between a baseball clearing the fence by a few feet or finishing at the warning track, or a curve ball breaking more.

Should baseballs be expected to be the same? All bats are not the same. All gloves are not same. Baseball parks vary from city to city. The Metrodome was criticized for affecting the outcome of games with baseballs getting lost in the roof. But nothing is said when a baseball gets lost in the sun or the wind converts a routine fly ball into a homerun in an outdoor stadium.     

Baseballs should be, and are, rewarded for their accomplishments. Record setting baseballs sit in trophy cases and bring huge sums at auctions and on eBay. Some have even earned a spot in Major League Baseball's Hall of Fame.

This all makes me feel better about my failed dream of becoming a major league baseball player. It wasn't that I didn't have the skills or the talent to play in the big leagues.

It's just that I didn't have the balls. 

Dan Shepard's Annual Top 10 TV Shows

2012 2011

1        1 Amazing Race—Notice their formula every year?  A team of gays…a father and son…two cheerleaders…a minority couple…a dating couple…newlyweds…best friends…a handicapped player…a couple in their 60’s…a couple of midgets…  

2        2 Survivor---We are only into episode four and one guy has been injured five times already.

3        NEW: Vegas—I had Sheriff Ralph Lamb in my cab in the late 90’s.  Dennis Quaid portrays him perfectly.

4        3 The Biggest Loser—The fatter they are the more interesting the show.

5        NEW: Longmire—I guess I like sheriffs in modern day westerns.

6        4 Hell’s Kitchen---If you are a poor cook with an emotional problem, you can be on this show.

7        5 Celebrity Apprentice—If you are famous and have an emotional problem you can be on this show.  

8        NEW: World Series of Poker—Player Rob Salaburu has stolen my act at the poker table.

9        7 Blue Bloods—Tom Selleck is great in everything I’ve ever seen him in.

10      8 Bill O’Reilly—If I didn’t watch this show I wouldn’t know what’s REALLY happening in the country.

Honorable mention: John Stossel, American Idol

        That is all,
          Dan Shepard
            dandarla23@comcast.net

Stuff On The Side Of The Road

       I have been doing a lot of walking lately. It always irritates me to see all the trash on the side of the roads.

       Besides the usual cigarette packages, plastic bottles, McDonald’s bags and beer cans, I find some things that one might not expect. I have to wonder how they got there.

       Condoms, new - it ain’t happening tonight, so you can just throw those out the window right now – and used – I guess we don’t need those anymore – litter my path.

       Old cell phones – at least they won’t be talking or texting while driving.

       Men’s underwear and women’s panties just two blocks before the used condoms – wow, that didn’t take long.

       Today I found an old address book. I opened it up. Listed inside were women’s phone numbers.  Only women’s phone numbers. It was a black book. This guy really knew a LOT of women.

       He couldn’t have just lost this. Maybe his girlfriend found it and tossed it out. But I would like to think he had met the woman of his dreams and had no further use for the book and left this gold mine of numbers for someone else.

      Someone like me maybe!

       No, I am well past the age for this book to be of any use to me. It probably never would have been.

       I decided to put it back on the ground where I found it. He just might change his mind and come back for it.

The Friendliest Town in the World

       Robin and I entered Lancaster, hometown of our friend Michelle Wilson, at about eleven on Sunday morning. A sign at the edge of town stated Lancaster was the "FRIENDLIEST TOWN IN THE WORLD" in huge letters. Main Street was bare except for a dozen cars parked in front of the cafe. We had to park a block away. I was anxiously awaiting my breakfast in the "FRIENDLIEST" cafe in the world.

        When we entered, all heads turned toward us and the cafe suddenly became quiet. Along the left side were two rows of orange colored booths. As we headed toward the one vacant booth, people stared at us if we had robbed a bank or something. The waitress seemed friendly enough as she joked with an old lady a couple of booths away. After about five minutes, she grabbed a couple of menus and threw them on our table as she passed by with a pot of coffee.

        "I sure could have used some of that coffee," Robin said as she opened her menu.

        "Me, too," I said.

        On the wall in front of the restaurant, I saw a blackboard that listed the Sunday morning breakfast special. That's what I wanted! When the waitress came back, I ordered it.

        With a disgusted look on her face she replied, "It's off the menu."

        I wanted to tell her it was still on the blackboard, but ordered a BLT instead. Robin just wanted coffee.

        Just then THEY walked in. Again the room became silent. The elderly couple at the door just stared at us. People looked back and forth at them and us.

       "I think we've got their booth," Robin whispered to me.

        She was probably right. We had obviously taken their booth, the one they sat in every Sunday after church. They stood there talking to each other, not knowing what to do, wondering whether they should eat standing up, kick us out of their booth, or just leave. Fortunately they joined another couple that had called them over.

       Twenty-five minutes later when the waitress brought over the food, I decided to ask the question. "Do you know Michelle Wilson?"

        She stared at me for a few seconds and then coldly answered, "Should I?"

        "She said she was from here."

       "Where is she from now?" she asked.

  
       "St. Paul."

        "Then how should I know her?" she scowled as she marched away.

        As we ate, I could see her walk from booth to booth.  I could hear her mumble, with ‘Michelle Wilson’ the only words I could make out. Then the people would turn and stare at us as they shook their heads. I guess I shouldn't have asked.

        When we got outside, two men were leaning against a pickup truck. I decided to give it one more try.

        "Do you know Michelle Wilson?"

        They looked at each other and laughed. Without answering, they just got in the truck and drove away.

       I now understand why Michelle moved to the Cities. Lancaster is no place for a writer. Or a mud wrestler. If there were any friendly people, we didn't see them. I am happy she decided to move to St. Paul. After all, there aren't any more booths available at the cafe.

TOUGH DRIVERS

Reprinted from May, 2006 Cabbie Guide Magazine                          

          Mike Sanchez was refusing a fare.  A man had just jumped into his cab at the airport.  The customer told Mike to head up Russell Road.  This Frias Company driver knows the rules, and informed his customer that an address was needed before he would even start the meter.  The man would not give an address, so Sanchez refused to move the cab.

          The customer got out of the taxi and notified airport taxi officers of this cab driver’s insolence.  Still, Mr. Sanchez refused to drive the man without a destination address.  And the man still refused to give it.  The Taxi Authority and airport police arrived.

          The man was asked for his identification and he presented a license.  The police checked the man out with their dispatcher.  Suddenly, the policeman handcuffed Sanchez’s passenger.  Seems a little extreme, doesn’t it?

          Turned out the man was wanted in connection with a bank robbery.  Instead of a ticket for refusing a fare, Mike received a $2,000 check in the mail from Bank of America, thanking him for his part in the capture of the bank robber.

_________________________

          Hussein Abdelgilil was hungry.  He drove his cab to the drive-thru at the Burger King on Tropicana near Valley View.  Hussein ordered his meal at the intercom, pulled up to the window and paid $6 to the female cashier.

     An angry employee at Burger King came up behind the cashier and asked Hussein why he had not ordered his meal back at the intercom like he was supposed to.  Hussein told the man that he did order on the intercom.  But the employee continued to argue with Hussein.  Maybe he didn’t like cab drivers.  Maybe he didn’t like Egyptian-Americans.   Or maybe he just didn’t like Egyptian-American cab drivers.

          To avoid further trouble, Hussein asked for his money back.  The irate employee at Burger King began throwing ketchup packets at Hussein as he pulled away from the window.

          Unfortunately, the Burger King employee did not know who he was dealing with.  Mr. Abdelgilil is President of our local Steelworkers Union 711A, which represents drivers from six companies.  Hussein doesn’t take injustice lightly.

          Many years ago, Mr. Abdelgilil was suspicious of a one-hundred dollar bill he received from a customer dropped off at the Boulevard Mall.  Hussein went to the bank across from the mall, found out the bill was counterfeit, and contacted the Secret Service.

          The Secret Service arrived quickly at the mall.  Even though it was a busy Friday afternoon, Hussein found the man who had passed him the bill.  The man was from Spain and was suspected by the Secret Service of passing numerous phony bills while in the United States.

          Hussein got a letter from the Secret Service to give to the cab company (Whittlesea), which reimbursed him for the hundred-dollar loss.  Hussein says the company later received a reimbursement from the government.

          After leaving Burger King, Hussein called their executive offices and informed a Senior Vice-President of this incident.  The Vice-President thanked Hussein for calling and apologized profusely.  President Hussein later received a packet in the mail for free meals at Burger King for his troubles.  In the meantime, if you are running low on ketchup…
                  That is all,
                  Dan Shepard
                  dandarla23@comcast.net